My Inner Struggle With Mental Illness
Normally I would be talking about something that would be angry in some kind or etc, but I wish to address a problem I have been facing and have been facing for about half of my life and it is my problem with a mental illness that I have that has effected me for a span of 16 years. Through that time I covered it up or tried to cover it up with the employer, but I feel it is my best interest to explain this illness I have.
They call it Bipolar and episodes of Mania, but it is more of a mood disorder that I face. Every once in awhile I have an episode and wind up in the hospital. My mood at the time which I have no control over takes over it is as if a personality takes over. It is very angry. However, I have put myself again at risk with employers for my disability once again.
To compare this mood state it is a trip without drugs and the personality takes over. Friday I found myself as a wave overcame me and I returned to my normal state and this trip was over. I am only left with memory of what I have done, but I believe the damage was done as the damage usually is.
16 years ago after my illness started and heavily medicated I took the interest in the mental health field. And 10 years ago I was a residential counselor. This past year has been hard. I have been going through a meltdown all year especially through my breakup. I was not settled and lost a lot of money afterwards I was not making the sound decisions that I should have as mentioned in my other blog I faced a lot of turmoil that I complained with, but my biggest has been my mind and my inner struggle with my illness.
I have not been able to focus on many things and have faced pressures from everyone including the community everywhere I go I face that paranoia at least in the past few days, but as time goes by I revert to normal. I am dealing with this illness as I have been and I've endured through it in the past. Some of my biggest breakthroughs in life have happened do to my illness.
I am speaking openly know about this to help you understand the post for a few weeks and previous. When another personality takes over alot of craziness takes over. A prime example to explain this is through the personality was used with Donnie Darko
in Donnie Darko. Something switched and another part of him took over and he could not control it. Sometimes this last days it could last longer Sometimes I am another person controlling the body. I don't harm, but just do damage to my persona. I realize this was the case because a switch went off and I woke up and I was back.
This illness shouldn't be taken lightly, however, everything that is real about this illness are the side effects. Just as Donnie Darko there are some gifts involved and that is the understanding of colors and the hidden messages that are sent subliminally.
It is as if we are guided spiritually and we can see the good and bad and I have been battling a lot and have endured a lot.
Understand the nature of this. The human mind and soul could pull as switch and could do damage to you based on the soul contracts we make as I've heard on a show in Gaia and they could either help us or destroy us despite what it does. However, as Rick Levine Astrologer said a Zen Master once said Good News Bad News Who is to know. This is how I take this.
Do I have to recover. I have been recovering most of my life and I still am. Do I face problems and am I worried about finances yes. But like everyone else I face my mental illness.
I give respect to Mayim Bialik Star of the The Big Bang Theory, She is open about her illness and she is in a fight for Mental Illness awareness. I have been tough on her from her posts, but I am trying to say don't be consumed with getting upset. I know I have and I see what it has done to me. We are all upset about what we are doing, but we all have to take a step back at what we are doing. I wish I took my own advice. Because I created disaster for myself this year do to my illness.
We all take on a fight in life and we all are going to fight and it might even get hostile that is why we need to take a sit back and see what is going on. Let our instinct decide our fate.
We all have to be in better standing and be able to face ourselves in the mirror and we have to be willing to stand up even if we don't want to get up because damage was left. We have to fight our fears and be free once again. We have to embrace every poor self as our high self and as the Late Debbie Ford said we have to nurture our beast and use our higher self to help our ego this is how we overcome and become whole again.
It is a lifelong process but we get stronger. Nobody is perfect on earth and we face our battle. Maybe it's time to nurture our wounded self and heal it.
I face wars internally as many of us and I am open with it now and I will boldly talk in the open about my illness. I can't live in fear of what someone might think or if someone will put me down or etc. I have had anger in the past just by dealing with people who have treated me or someone I know about their disability. But we all go through something in life and we can't give up the fight no matter how bad it is. Mayim you are not alone in the fight many fight our illnesses we just have to have the courage to face it, but not let anger get the best of us as I and many have with many of our posts. However, if you are speaking up for what you believe in we have that right. And we all need to make sure we are in the right judgement to make those decisions. I am struggling with this myself and I have learned a lot.
For those who have stayed loyal and have not left thank you I appreciate. I am like everyone else trying to make it in this world. But it is our own strength that can face the enemy from within and I will keep enduring the enemy until I one day defeat it.
They call it Bipolar and episodes of Mania, but it is more of a mood disorder that I face. Every once in awhile I have an episode and wind up in the hospital. My mood at the time which I have no control over takes over it is as if a personality takes over. It is very angry. However, I have put myself again at risk with employers for my disability once again.
To compare this mood state it is a trip without drugs and the personality takes over. Friday I found myself as a wave overcame me and I returned to my normal state and this trip was over. I am only left with memory of what I have done, but I believe the damage was done as the damage usually is.
16 years ago after my illness started and heavily medicated I took the interest in the mental health field. And 10 years ago I was a residential counselor. This past year has been hard. I have been going through a meltdown all year especially through my breakup. I was not settled and lost a lot of money afterwards I was not making the sound decisions that I should have as mentioned in my other blog I faced a lot of turmoil that I complained with, but my biggest has been my mind and my inner struggle with my illness.
I have not been able to focus on many things and have faced pressures from everyone including the community everywhere I go I face that paranoia at least in the past few days, but as time goes by I revert to normal. I am dealing with this illness as I have been and I've endured through it in the past. Some of my biggest breakthroughs in life have happened do to my illness.
I am speaking openly know about this to help you understand the post for a few weeks and previous. When another personality takes over alot of craziness takes over. A prime example to explain this is through the personality was used with Donnie Darko
in Donnie Darko. Something switched and another part of him took over and he could not control it. Sometimes this last days it could last longer Sometimes I am another person controlling the body. I don't harm, but just do damage to my persona. I realize this was the case because a switch went off and I woke up and I was back.This illness shouldn't be taken lightly, however, everything that is real about this illness are the side effects. Just as Donnie Darko there are some gifts involved and that is the understanding of colors and the hidden messages that are sent subliminally.
It is as if we are guided spiritually and we can see the good and bad and I have been battling a lot and have endured a lot.
Understand the nature of this. The human mind and soul could pull as switch and could do damage to you based on the soul contracts we make as I've heard on a show in Gaia and they could either help us or destroy us despite what it does. However, as Rick Levine Astrologer said a Zen Master once said Good News Bad News Who is to know. This is how I take this.
Do I have to recover. I have been recovering most of my life and I still am. Do I face problems and am I worried about finances yes. But like everyone else I face my mental illness.
I give respect to Mayim Bialik Star of the The Big Bang Theory, She is open about her illness and she is in a fight for Mental Illness awareness. I have been tough on her from her posts, but I am trying to say don't be consumed with getting upset. I know I have and I see what it has done to me. We are all upset about what we are doing, but we all have to take a step back at what we are doing. I wish I took my own advice. Because I created disaster for myself this year do to my illness.
We all take on a fight in life and we all are going to fight and it might even get hostile that is why we need to take a sit back and see what is going on. Let our instinct decide our fate.
We all have to be in better standing and be able to face ourselves in the mirror and we have to be willing to stand up even if we don't want to get up because damage was left. We have to fight our fears and be free once again. We have to embrace every poor self as our high self and as the Late Debbie Ford said we have to nurture our beast and use our higher self to help our ego this is how we overcome and become whole again.
It is a lifelong process but we get stronger. Nobody is perfect on earth and we face our battle. Maybe it's time to nurture our wounded self and heal it.
I face wars internally as many of us and I am open with it now and I will boldly talk in the open about my illness. I can't live in fear of what someone might think or if someone will put me down or etc. I have had anger in the past just by dealing with people who have treated me or someone I know about their disability. But we all go through something in life and we can't give up the fight no matter how bad it is. Mayim you are not alone in the fight many fight our illnesses we just have to have the courage to face it, but not let anger get the best of us as I and many have with many of our posts. However, if you are speaking up for what you believe in we have that right. And we all need to make sure we are in the right judgement to make those decisions. I am struggling with this myself and I have learned a lot.
For those who have stayed loyal and have not left thank you I appreciate. I am like everyone else trying to make it in this world. But it is our own strength that can face the enemy from within and I will keep enduring the enemy until I one day defeat it.
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